Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
scale of 1-10 how well do I give head
5, but i have never had a 10. best was an 8 so if i grade you on a curve you are a 7. ish.
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
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