I am not sure how to feel about the fact that I was turned on by someone with a penis. I can't believe Lady Gaga would do this to me. :(
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
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