she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
Ya. I was the definition of a shit show. I woke up outside my door when my alarm went off
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
Randomize
