I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
Randomize
