WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
Just found out for my occult lit class (history of cults) final project is making a spellbook. Hello last term of college.
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
Randomize
