I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
barbara walters just said penis...
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
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