I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
I don't know if this beer pong partnership can last if you refuse to look me in the eye when we make sweet sweet clutch cup at the same time.
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
Do you knowwwwww you never ha to pee while lhr on eztacy
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
So I definitely fucked a guy while holding on to his pigtails like reigns last night.
The most literal cowgirl position ever.
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
Randomize
