Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
Totally smoking with fifteen year olds.
I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
Randomize
