I think I kinda wanna bone that ginger from Harry Potter.
You literally just made my flesh crawl.
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
Smoked a Vape in the library status: completed
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Randomize
