dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
I feel like everything in this room is sweating
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize
