I just shaved my legs while pooping. classy or trashy?
talent.
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
i gave head in a cab last night. get on my level.
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Randomize
