Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
I just realized. my grades aren't ready for st patties day...
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
How high?! We watched paid programming for 45 minutes before we realized it wasn't just a long commercial. So pretty high. The Bionic fish finder looks promising, though.
Lets get a boat first.
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
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