I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
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