I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
and she was petting her beer can
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
Heading there now. Already have a boner.
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