a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
I haven't even gone in yet. I'm sitting in the waiting room playing a game i like to call "Who else is here for AA".
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
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