so that wasnt chicken after all
oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
i don't know when underwear became an acceptable clothing choice for parties, but god help me i hope this isn't a passing trend.
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
Randomize
