I didn't shave. On purpose
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
I'm just going to take the mature adult root and ignore him for a bit, and then pretend like I didn't see him jerking off.
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
