Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
I currently don't understand fingers.
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Randomize
