PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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