i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
The neighbors in the apartment above us are at it again. The roleplay this time is cop and prostitute. I give it 30 minutes, you? Already sounds better than the last one
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
