there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
There are twenty eight units in that building. There has to be at least one heterosexual in it. You can't have fucked your way through all of it.
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
Randomize
