Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
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