Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
Also, even though this really sucks now, we will look back on this one day and laugh at the time we all got arrested on Thanksgiving
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
Randomize
