Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
It was huge And he was twirling it around. Im telling you, beautiful wonderpenis
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
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