This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
then again I'm sitting on a tree stump completely naked in the dark listening to some type of glee soundtrack.
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another.
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
I don't think this guy is worth it unless he's a skilled sexual amigo
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
Randomize
