wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
Randomize
