I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Guess who cheated on their SATs? Also on the same line guess who's getting in to Princeton at damn near free of charge?
Randomize
