Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
So you started off by saying "no homo," but patting his crotch and saying his jeans fit him wonderfully may have overshadowed that.
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
So I just had breakfast and then sex in a parking garage before he went to school and thus I am loving my life
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
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