i know ur right I'm sorry I'm stupid and incompitent look I can't even spell incompetent right! Fuck!
no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
Randomize
