you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
I woke up and took my shirt off, and there was what I was assume to be pieces of tree in my chest hair. Any ideas about that one?
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
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