When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
Randomize
