Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
Man, i was looking at the pictures i took last night in one i was on the Kentucky line fist pumping with a hobo..wth happened?
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
