1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
Idk we were snorting lines and making out in the stall while these people were cheering us on, on the other side. And that's when I realized he wasn't the only guy in the girls bathroom.
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
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