You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
Randomize
