I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
Randomize
