OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
i'm watching the fashion show on bravo
you're cheating on project runway?
if you can't score coke, you buy crack.
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
Randomize
