It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
they said they heard you say put it in my butt
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
Well, I can't relate. I have no idea what it feels like to withhold sex. Or have self-control in general.
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
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