I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
He keeps singing a song about someone called the dayman.
....fighter of the Nightman?
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
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