So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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