my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
What the hell do you do when your fuck buddy leaves to go for a piss naked and 20 minutes later hasn't come back and can't be found anywhere in the house or outside but has left his phone, tee shirt and shoes in your bedroom.
I don't think there is a pre defined social etiquette for a lost naked fuck buddy now roaming the streets.
Randomize
