my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
A 20 minute car ride back to your car with the girl u had drunk anal with is the most uncomfortable thing ever.
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
OMG OMG OMG I just throwed up in his pillow case when he wentto start the sho wer, time to grab my bra and bounce!!!
Wow.
Randomize
