I'm pants shitting drunk right now
you miss my big massive throbbing cock dont you?
Woah.
that's not how you spell hell yes.
Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
I'm currently looking on facebook to see how slutty the girls from my kindergarden class are now. I have a problem.
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
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