I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
Asian chick on skype stripping for me. Hold on give few min
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
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