saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
The Worst (noun)- 1. Getting up at 6am after a night of drinking. 2. Wearing a Peter Rabbit costume.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
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