turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
Randomize
