omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
That makes sense.. A good Bj is a trump card in any argument
i just watched a 27 minute video about owls...that high.
Randomize
