im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
But i just feel like he will pull it out and ill panic. I mean its fairly basic. Up and down. But i feel like ill just freak out.
I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
Randomize
