the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
Well I'm glad to hear the fight wasnt over his small dick.
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
Text me when you wake up so I know you're ok. It's really worrisome to get home at this hour and find 3 men passed out in my room but no you. Love you, goodnight. :-)
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
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