Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
I think you're the first person to ever call Louisville, KY a "romantic getaway".
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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