i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
Those balls look pretty dangerous.
let me put it this way. im never saying "join in or get out" again unless i know whos in the room.
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
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