Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
how's this sound. You, me a box of pink franzia and a night full of possibilities in your basemen. I'll be me. You be you. And we'll see where it goes
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
Randomize
