Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
I was just too high to be in rapids man. I just screamed for the entire time I was jostling about.
It was like giving head to a cactus.
He never answered about passing his structures test no matter how I asked him. He did send a text saying that he would be "pouring alcohol into his head and balls" so I'm guessing he has to retake the whole class.
Ack! That is the first dick pic I've ever received. A) congrats B) that is way grosser than I ever thought t would be.
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Randomize
