3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
I'm sorry but if you can talk well enough to critique his oral game, he clearly needs the pointers.
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize